The Great American Eclipse – Just Like A Full Moon, Only Nuttier!

The theory that a Full Moon brings out the loony people has been debunked by more than a few sources over the years, but that doesn’t stop people believing in the power of a Full Moon.

You only have to look at the Blood Moons that took place only a few short years ago, with the dire predictions of impending apocalypse and a worldwide shortage of chocolate to understand that events like these really do short-circuit the brains of the stark raving mad vulnerable and otherwise peaceful masses.

Now take the coming solar eclipse – and kiss your full moon goodbye. Crazy has a new king:

Wanted: Woman to conceive child during eclipse totality
You must like cats. Drugs are OK

It isn’t only those trying to bump mankind up the evolutionary ladder that you need to watch out for. Apparently, the Lizard Man may also be on the loose during the eclipse:

SCEMD Cheekily suggests possible sightings of the Lizard Man
Beware the Lizard Man!

and USA Today came out with this corker:

Interdimensional creatures, aliens and Earth’s destruction: Solar eclipse generates wild theories


In the all-out rush to buy glasses with which to view the eclipse, of course, there’s this headline:

Solar-eclipse fever means counterfeit glasses are flooding Amazon’s market


A group calling themselves “Kentuckians for Coal” are protesting the solar eclipse, according to this press release. The group is angry about many things, including fake-news media hyping the eclipse while ignoring coal, overpriced souvenirs, and and the coming invasion of prostitutes.

The press release read like satire so I got in touch with the group to confirm. They gave me a curt rebuff. “The coal industry in the United States is not a laughing matter” media coordinator Major Joseph Calvon informed me. He also wrote:

“We need the coal industry to be around for generations to come. Which is why we are protesting during the solar eclipse.”

I was still confused, but a Major outranks me so I didn’t ask further questions. Presumably, the group is protesting the decline of the coal industry during a time when the sun won’t be able to generate solar power, but the press release clearly says that the group is “Protesting the solar eclipse”.

Adding to my confusion are the suggested slogans for the protest signs. One suggests “Blame Obama”, because sure I guess the president is responsible for the alignment of the moon and the sun now.

Another suggestion reads “Clean Coal!”. I’m guessing they must be thinking that the exclamation point is like a disclaimer or something. “Clean Coal! (actually, it doesn’t exist)”. Something like that.

My absolute personal favorite, though is “That’s What She Said!” Which I think is enough said on that topic. I wish them well.


At least there’s this to give us a laugh:

Helpful tips for the upcoming eclipse
Heed Justin’s words if you want to live through the eclipse!

And I’ll leave you with this little gem that’s doing the rounds on Facebook:

Dear god, impeach Trump
Lord, give us a sign!

 

I’ll take a look at the religious folk in my next post.

Until then!

You know you gotta say it...