The Great American Eclipse – Just Like A Full Moon, Only Nuttier!

The theory that a Full Moon brings out the loony people has been debunked by more than a few sources over the years, but that doesn’t stop people believing in the power of a Full Moon.

You only have to look at the Blood Moons that took place only a few short years ago, with the dire predictions of impending apocalypse and a worldwide shortage of chocolate to understand that events like these really do short-circuit the brains of the stark raving mad vulnerable and otherwise peaceful masses.

Now take the coming solar eclipse – and kiss your full moon goodbye. Crazy has a new king:

Wanted: Woman to conceive child during eclipse totality
You must like cats. Drugs are OK

It isn’t only those trying to bump mankind up the evolutionary ladder that you need to watch out for. Apparently, the Lizard Man may also be on the loose during the eclipse:

SCEMD Cheekily suggests possible sightings of the Lizard Man
Beware the Lizard Man!

and USA Today came out with this corker:

Interdimensional creatures, aliens and Earth’s destruction: Solar eclipse generates wild theories


In the all-out rush to buy glasses with which to view the eclipse, of course there’s this headline:

Solar-eclipse fever means counterfeit glasses are flooding Amazon’s market


A group calling themselves “Kentuckians for Coal” are protesting the solar eclipse, according to this press release. The group is angry about many things, including fake-news media hyping the eclipse while ignoring coal, overpriced souvenirs, and and the coming invasion of prostitutes.

The press release read like satire so I contacted the group to ask if it was such and was curtly rebuffed. “The coal industry in the United States is not a laughing matter” media coordinator Major Joseph Calvon informed me. He also wrote:

“We need the coal industry to be around for generations to come. Which is why we are protesting during the solar eclipse.”

I was still confused, but a Major outranks me so I didn’t ask further questions. Presumably the group is protesting the decline of the coal industry during a time when the sun won’t be able to generate solar power, but the press release clearly says that the group is “Protesting the solar eclipse”.

Adding to my confusion are the suggested slogans for the protest signs. One suggests “Blame Obama”, because sure I guess the president is responsible for the alignment of the moon and the sun now.

Another suggestion reads “Clean Coal!”. I’m guessing they must be thinking that the exclamation point is like a disclaimer or something. “Clean Coal! (actually, it doesn’t exist)”. Something like that.

My absolute personal favorite, though is “That’s What She Said!” Which I think is enough said on that topic. I wish them well.


At least there’s this to give us a laugh:

Helpful tips for the upcoming eclipse
Heed Justin’s words if you want to live through the eclipse!

And I’ll leave you with this little gem that’s doing the rounds on Facebook:

Dear god, impeach Trump
Lord, give us a sign!

 

I’ll take a look at the religious folk in my next post.

Until then!

Is the North American Eclipse a herald of the End of Days?

Ever since those early days that we rarely talk about anymore – when humanity was just taking its baby steps and gurgling happily away at nothing like any oblivious toddler – we’ve seen signs and portents in most everything.

Things like the sun and the moon were worshipped as gods. Clouds were platforms for them and their angels to look down on us in judgment like parents looking down at their cot-bound offspring. The idea became universal among us.

Yeah. mankind pretty much never left that toddler stage.

All of a sudden gods were the IN thing and you could find messages from them in things like sheep guts and horse hearts. If you gathered the bones of your enemies and cast them down you could decipher the future. Plus they made a nice tinkly sound on the cave floor.

Then we discovered fire, and in the flames, we found a hotline direct to the gods as well as other hallucinogenic experiences, depending on what fuel you were burning. Cavemen would sit for hours giggling at each other giggling, someone would get the munchies and order take out sabre-tooth, they all grew beards and sang about Lucy in the sky. That sort of thing.

But when the gods were angry, or busy fighting each other or partying too much, ‘things’ started happening in the sky above us. Thunderstorms heralded the gods’ fury, flaming balls shot across the heavens, presumably to smite someone’s enemy, and every once in a while things got really bad.

Really really bad. Like the sun going dark kind of bad. Like the end of the world is coming kind of bad. Like whichever god whose fan club you were a member had decided enough was enough and it was time to wipe out everyone, whether they had renewed their membership or not.

You’ve probably guessed where I’m going with this right now. If you haven’t, keep reading – if you’ve read this far you might as well see where this crazy Captain dude is going with his caveman and gods epic. (If you have? Read anyway you might get a chuckle or two more).

Still with me? Awesome! You see, the point of it all is this: mankind really hasn’t done a lot of growing up since those caveman toddler days. We may have whittled down our number of gods a little, but as soon as we see celestial events like eclipses (either kind), or the recent Blood Moons, we can’t help but think it’s Over. That our time on this little ball in space is at an End. The only difference now is that some of us have little books we like to carry that document our particular god’s instructions to its followers and helpful pointers on what to look out for when that god gets tired of having worshippers.

For every recent astronomical event – I could go ‘human experience’ recent, or ‘lifetime’ recent, but for argument’s sake let’s just take the last ten years as a sample – there are more than a few claimants that This Is The End. That god (whichever one) is reclaiming earth and Judgement Day is at hand.

Wikipedia makes mention of thirteen times that people were predicting the End in the last decade alone. I would reckon I’ve read at least six different predictions in the last year alone.  Every time the chosen date comes along the prophet claims to have misinterpreted their handbook and offers up a revised date. And people keep falling for it.

If you’ve ever read the short story anthology “The End Is Nigh” (if you’ve never read it, do yourself a favor!) there’s a brilliant entry in which a charlatan founds his own cult on a prediction of the apocalypse. He picks a day entirely at random and the world actually ends. I keep thinking of this story every time I read yet another Judgement Day claim.

As for the Great North American Eclipse? I’ll have some more to say on that in the coming days. It won’t be the End of the World but it will be a spectacular event that you shouldn’ miss if you’re in its path.  Forget your god’s book and go and be amazed at something as amazingly mundane as the moon blocking the light of the sun from reaching your vantage point – if you happen to be in view of it.

And remember that the rest of the world won’t see what you’re seeing – and that’s no way for Judgement Day to kick off, is it?

You can find out more about the coming eclipse at the NASA site: